Dad passed in October 2016 and Mom passed in November 2021. Quite suddenly, my siblings and I found ourselves constituting the oldest generation in our family. The feeling that came over me of no longer having a rock but instead, becoming a rock for others, was a surprise. I should have expected it but I didn’t.
The fall and winter holiday season is a tough time for me as it brings back oodles of memories of Mom and Dad. I think it’s the same for my siblings. We all feel the lack of Mom and Dad being there when we needed to talk, and we feel the emptiness of no longer being able to help them in their final years.
Hat tip to Joni Mitchell and her song Big Yellow Taxi:
Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
Thinking about this today, I conclude that sometimes people have trouble seeing the value that is right in front of them. How do you value something when you don’t recognize its full value? One practical way is to imagine that person or thing is no longer in your life and then imagine how that might change your life.
This works with challenging situations, too. For example, you might have a coworker who you find to be abrasive or otherwise difficult to work with. Imagine how your work would be affected if that person was instantly subtracted from your organization. Who would do that person’s work? How much of it would fall to you? How would that impact your core work? Imagining the absence of someone or something can help you see more value, and when we see more value, it becomes easier to overlook behaviors or characteristics that might otherwise grate a bit.
We’ve all seen examples of what happens when one experienced person leaves an organization and it takes two or three people to do what that one person was doing. The capabilities of that one person may have been taken for granted…until suddenly they were no longer there. Finding value by imagining absence can be a powerful tool in developing job descriptions and doing performance appraisals. (This works with self-appraisals, too!)
Perhaps it’s something more prosaic like a car. Many of us tend to take our vehicles for granted. A vehicle is something that is just there, waiting for us to use whenever we want. It can be hard to remember to perform basic maintenance when your vehicle lives in the back of your mind, almost as an afterthought. So imagine your life without that vehicle. Picture how you would get to work, how you would get groceries, and how you would go places to be with friends or family. Suddenly, that vehicle seems a lot more important than it did a few moments ago!
For Mom and Dad in my life, well, they were always there. I didn’t really think about how much they supported me and contributed to my success until their lives were waning. Now that they live only in my heart and mind, I am finding lessons in valuing people around me while they are here. I’m living more in the present than ever, seeking those moments when I can sincerely thank someone for the special things they bring to my life.
The funny thing, though, is that as I appreciate others more, they seem to appreciate me more, too. That feels pretty good.
Great message Tom! Much thanks for your wisdom. I need a little more of this in my life.